Ana's..... I'M BACK!

Thanks to my beautiful angle C I am wonderfully back on track (or atleast getting there)
I am going to post this post, then a post of a new MIANAX STYLE FAST!!

that's right beauties. I am going to make my very own ABC Diet Mianax style!

and anyone that wants to join is more then welcome to contact me here or mianax89@hotmail.com
and I am happy to walk you thru every detail of this fast so we CAN NOT FAIL!

Stay tuned Ana's, we are together again
xx

I'm in HELL!!!

I fucked it all up, everything! The relationship, the break up, the get to know you faze, the not to move back in faze, the housemate, my social life! My mentality, my sanity, my diet, my morals, my lies and secrets and everybody's trust, love and respect!! But the question haunts me, did I do this to myself intentionally? Do I hate myself that much I have to sabotage my life so I'm that low that I am to depressed to cave and binge, but I'm getting to the point where my metabolism is so bad I'm putting weight on left right and center I hate it. During the break up with my mr perfect bf, he found this blog. He told me that after reading one page(found by accident) that he could finally understand why I come home (from the job I love mind you) in such a CU*T of a mood, he knew,I wanted to lose weight but I think when I used to tell him about me wanting to be so tiny I fall threw the cracks in the floor, he thought I was joking, like exaggerating!! Haha well now he knows!! We have started talking again, he has promised to work on his anger and go to courses, I have promised to try eat more, I was lying! I tried to tell him that it's not that ways you can't just pick up normal food (that hasn't been prodded and picked at) and expect us to eat it with not another thought!! What the Fuck!! If you believed your gf had an eating disorder (not that I'm even saying I do) you'd research it in every way you could? How to cope with it, how to handle the person going thru it and what to and not to do! Hmmm I'm so lost and so confused!! I hurt my bf and now his not sure if he can trust me, which makes me unsure if I could trust him! If the only person you ever loved hurt you beyond belief, tell me you wouldn't want to get them.back!! Speaking of payback!! My new house mate who is also my work colleague who is ALSO my ride to work knows (get ready for this coz it shocked the shit outta,me.....) knows my RAPIST! her gf and gf's brother to be exact, I found this out after having her (housemates gf and brother) in my house the one night I stayed away from.my house during the break up.!!!!
To all my girls and guys that have been following my blogs (thank you) you would understand how this is a incredibly stressful thing to go thru right now.

I love you all

Day 2, fight!!!

So day one diet consisted of;
3 x coffee
2 x piece of popcorn

Today, (so far)
2 x coffee
1 x 600 ml flavored water
1 x aero yoghurt (69 cals!!)

I'm feeling good about said fast!! It certainly helped that jamie and I fought like cats and dogs last night!
Over a huge misunderstanding is it worth it!
The stress from the fight helped me not eat, so today I'm feeling good!!
On the 29th of this month I'll be completing 28 days of vegan diet but hopefully fast 28 days then continue the vegan fast after my fast Is up
Keen to join??
Let me know xx

ABC Diet..... Starts Today ladies,

That's right!! I'm now starting the abc diet once again as I have been binging like a fat kid for weeks now!!, I can't take it any more!!, and the bf has gotten weird about my fasting (all good things really must come to an end) but if I'm eating and restricting my cal intake I can still eat around him but also have fast days AND lose the weight!, I'm saving for a tready! Once I get that bad boy there will be no stopping me!,
I also wanted to say thank you for all the comments coming thru, I do hope that all the lovely ladies that read this can offer their advise and helping hand to the other ladies that comment!!
But I do have to tell you, I do not care who reads this but I won't help somebody that is younger than 18, I can't willingly help a young girl district her body before it has a chance to develop, but read on and I hope you all join me for the beautiful abc!!

Is this real?

So I'm sitting in my car, on my break at work, crying (seem to constantly be crying on my work breaks) I HATE MYSELF FOR CRYING! I'm so weak!

My bf is my best friend and if he can't love me, who can? Who else can I expect to be with me? Love me, trust them, trust me, I'm listening to linken park, somewhere I belong, I thought with ana is where I belong, but I can't shake this rejection feeling, I don't know who I am, am I an ana in training? Am I a failure? Am I succeeding in ruining my life? Can I be saved? Who can answer these burning questions that feel like my stomach acids are dictating my thoughts, like all these questions rolled into one big question..... Can I live with being such a failure, I over compensate my lack of control in my life with studies, with my bf, with my family but I'm still spiraling out of control and can do nothing to stop it, do I want to though?
Yesterday's diet:
1 x slice whole meal bread, 17 cals
1 x rice cake 10 cals

Today's diet
1 x oak milk 270 cals

I want it all to end I'm done

It starts with 2

=|\\\ F%#&@!!!! :=="='''||||

Well it's happened again!, we fought, he flipped, I cried (I HATE MYSELF FOR CRYING!!!!), he took my keys, I locked him out the house, he had his house keys, I tried to barricade myself in the house, he pushed the door, my back went thru the wall, he pounded on the door, I ran out onto the street crying (I HATE MYSELF FOR CRYING!!!!!) he smashed my sewing machine, I just learnt how to take my clothes in using it, he called me a slut cunt whore told me he cheated on me all day, I sat at home waiting for him after he left the house 4 times in one day, he ran to his uncles and told me he gets the house and I can have the car, I sat and packed in my trashed house, I want to die, he doesn't care, I can't eat, he doesn't care, I can't sleep, he doesn't care. So WHAT THE FUCK AM I DOING?!!!@!&&$??!! Why am I fighting to keep something that I know is over!,
Do I like the pain?!!
Do I love him?
Or am I just scared of being alone?
Can I function alone?
Who I am with out him?!
Can I go on?
Do I want to?!
What am I doing?!$@@??!!!,
It starts with 2
After 2, you can't lose that feeling
It's a drug that heats up the pain to a boil that can only feel good
It's a release from the pain the drama the hurt that doesn't quit
It's what I wake up for and look forward to its the only thing that makes sense
It's scary it feels this good
It's coming back and growing with me like ana did the first time we met its as comfy as she is warming me at night it's worrying it's great it's freaky but the good kind you can't live without can I do it and hide it who would care
Would I?
Do I?
Can I?

No

There's no words

So it's been a special occasion lately and I am bouncing between planning this stream of events that have gone wrong at every turn, I have had the longest time off work due to illness and just as I started to get back on the horse and back at work my illness not only acted up but had me miss the event I had planned, I was bed ridden so there goes me getting my I.D from a friend, not that it mattered I have just woken up from a sleep that started at 6:00 Friday morning, I am scared I am
going to lose the job I love so much!,
I have had a horrible amount of time off I wouldn't blame work for giving me the boot.

I'm not allowed To continue modeling as the bf doesn't want others to see me so another guy has made me give up the same dream.....

I have begged com service to let me do a more relaxed service and now they have I haven't gone, I'm most likely going to breach it do there for back to court.....

The person I didn't get along with the most is about to move home so including the men that live there now there will be 6 of us adults living in a small 2 bedroom and a study house (I say that coz the house is so tiny its not big enough to be called a 3 bedroom) the one guy I have the most problem with that is the most loud, disgusting, disrespectful, pathetic excuse for a man was supposed to apologies to me for calling me the things he did in the fight we had (we as in the house full of his mates he constantly invites over, my partner and the normal household)
He still hasn't and then has the nerve to say hello to me today like nothing happened! I can see him staying long term.....

Me and my partner are applying for places but as we both work full time, he finishes hours later then I do, not only can we barely make open inspections but for the ones we can apply for, we are getting rejected for.....

I'm not fasting much, I'm not losing less than that, my weight is ranging between 59 & 60kgs. A pro-ana friend that also answered one of my replies on yahoo for a pro-ana buddy graciously let me know that she has reached her second GW! When asked how? Her reply; nooo idea.. Come on sister, I don't hear from you for ages then I hear you'r at your second GW and you have no hints, tips or tricks??, hun it's girls like you that can thinspire us with a simple tip unknown to us, it's girls like you that can guide, teach and be taught by like minded and non judgmental peers, it's girls like you who make us realize there could be hope for us after all, you could give girls the reassurance that if this is what they want to do, need to do, crave to do then it can be done and you and your stats are the beautiful proof, but since last transmission (of; nooo idea) we have not had contact.....

When I was dealing with 'trauma' I had the habit of wrecking my life coz (so I am told) I feel I dont deserve a good life, I feel this and see this happening and I feel powerless to stop it, my bf is stressing me as he has been buying me gifts in replace of showing me love and affection and attention!, I hate it!!, it's scary that I could feel this way being with him but here we are, I think that is why I haven't logged on for ages as if I said it out loud or put it on paper it becomes real, and yep it's real.....

I'm writing all this like all these points are leading to a beautiful, easy stress free conclusion but not this time, the guru with more questions than answers has nothing, I am a innocent bystander watching my life morphed into car form head straight for a wall and it's happening in slow motion but it's just too far to run and prevent the collision but close enough to see the details of the drivers face as she sees a wall ahead of her but is powerless to stop the inevitable

Stay strong!
I hope I come back with better news for the life that is MianaX

Fuck!

So things have been at a all time FUCKED!! My bf and I are slowly falling apart and I hate it, I'm trying to stop the destruction that i can see is ending us but nothing I'm doing is working!
We now live with 2 alcoholics and my bfs uncle, who is trying to make us stay at this hell hole as he loves my bf! But fuck that!! I can not deal anymore!, it's way to hard! I don't know how much more fight I have left inside me, I told my bf that I'd always fight for him but I don't think I have the energy anymore. I know if you let you'r loved ones go and if they come back it's meant to be but I'm so scared to let him go incase he doesn't come back, I have no idea what to do about my life Fucking itself, how much is one person meant to handle!
I am now ranging at 60kgs! Still a fat fuck!!! I hate myself!

Been a while

So my last blog didn't publish as I wrote half then had to do other stuff, so sorry but the thoughts of mianax are back!, so I have been not doing the best but instead of remaining at 63 as my weight I now am 60 and keeping the 3 off so that's great but I have my next shoot on the 26th of this month, then I will be put thru for other jobs, I am nervous as hell I will look like fat heffa!! But we shall see I have tried to fast but in the last few days I have been a failure!! A big fat fricken failure!! But tomorrow is another day!!, wish me luck I will be fasting til the 26th, today being the 7th,

Starve on beauties!