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Ok so, yesterday went good, I hope it can continue, I'm banning myself from any boost, or coffees that I must buy! I am saving to get the funk out of dodge so every penny counts and certainly helps the starving factor!! I'm so stressed at home, I'm stressed at work, I drive home or to my mums and im stressed! That dressed I just found 3 gray hairs all bunched up to one! I go to sleep crying that I'm not thin enough smart enough don't work hard enough aren't fit enough I can't help the sad depressed thoughts run thru my head I can't help but feel they all deserve better from me! I don't know why but I feel confused, like I'm missing something, something important, something that I need to pay attention to! But I don't know what it is? Starve on my princesses, STAY STRONG! Let's get good enough together

Lost

Ok so back in the area I hate but can't do anything about, miserable!! Spending the day somewhere I have no control whether I would like to be here!, I feel like breaking down! I feel like every decision I make to better my life has bought me to this point, and I hate my life now! I'm no where near my GW! I feel like crap! I guess there's only one solution..... I have to starve to feel control I have had a great life up until now I think maybe I intentionally fucked my life to get me to this point where I am so miserable that all I can do is starve to gain any sense of control, the bf and me are fighting like cats and dogs as he hates being in the area were in too but we both know there is nothing in the world we can do until we save up the money to get the fuck out! Ok so today will consist of coffee, (Unfortunatly I have left all my natvia at work!!!) so I will make do with less sugar, Coke zero (0 cals) And going to mums tonight for dinner I will say I ate at home I will tell the bf and to all at home I ate at mums I don't think this plan can fail, The bf just came to visit me, he actually asked me if I wanted him to bring me food! Wtf? What does he not get here?? I refuse to make myself any fatter then I am! I just feel so lost!

Fuck!

Well I've officially moved back and I FUCKEN HATE IT! I didn't realize exactly how much I hate this FUCKEN place until I got back here! I've been here for a couple of hours and wanna lose my shit! I hate this place! I only wanted to move here coz we were meant to be paying no rent but that's changed and now I'm FUCKEN stuck here! I couldn't hate my life anymore then I do today! Fuck it is it worth stating with someone knowing you have to stay somewhere you hate just to be with them? I used to think it was but now I'm not so sure! I honestly hate it here and the bf is acting like its only for a little while but I know it's bullshit! Fuck this!!!

Another day..... Enough said!

Well here community service, grrr but I am getting a mass work out walking around :) I better fucking be as yesterday I spent the day in bed binging with the bf the WHOLE FUCKING DAY!! Ana is kicking my ass in my head! Tonight will be the night I attempt the 100 work out! I don't hate exercise but I would rather starve myself then exercise and as we all know starving ones self should never be followed by extensive exercise!, so I am taking it easy, I have met this guy and he knows a long lost friend of mine!! So this other friend is here visiting me and I have my bf coming to see me with weed :D so ultimately today is a not bad day!! :) I'll have to eat soup at my mums later bug I'll stick to mostly broth ;) stay strong my beauties! Thin in beautiful thin is our life! So let's live it!!

I don't get it?

What do you do when your about to lose the most perfect thing in your life? Do you fight to keep it or set it free and hope that is comes back to you'r waiting willing arms?? I don't know what else to do but starve for perfection, I know he'll love me if I was thinner, I know he'll love me if I had more control!, I know he'll love me if I'm lite enough to fly! I can't help but feel I'm in the calm before the storm, he claims he loves me but if he loved me why can't I feel it? Why do I wake up feeling cold and alone every morning? Why does nothing make sense anymore? How has everything turned to shit so quickly? How has everything changed and I never saw it coming? How can I make it all perfect like it was before? What if I did it, just this once? What if I liked doing it so much I can't stop at just once? What if it becomes a part of my life again? What of I go to deep and I don't wake up? Would that be such a bad thing? Would anyone cry for me? Would anyone remember me? Would anyone even care?

My daily routine

I wake up daily with tears in my eyes, I try not to let them slip down my cheek coz I know once they do they become real and it becomes harder to make them stop, I get up have a shower and spend countless water wasting minutes staring at what ive let my body become! Disgusted I ever let it get this bad! Ashamed that my bf is made to sleep next to this hideous body! Get dressed and put on my make up, do my hair, and sit there if I listen hard enough I think I can hear Ana talking to me, she's cheering me on! Telling me to starve for my sins! Starve for perfection! Don't let your bf wonder off into the arms of someone else, someone perfect someone I'm not! These thought stay with me all day until I return home after work and see my bf, see how perfectly beautiful he is, and feel how lucky I am to have someone so amazing, after thinking then rethinking these thoughts I get on tge abswing, I say in my head I'll stop at 509 crunches, then I look over at my bf, and decide I must do another 150, atleast, just for him! I get into bed ask my bf what he wants for dinner, get up, cook it, all the while thinking if I eat this I don't deserve him so I plate enough for him, put the rest in the bin, then back to bed, sit with the bf wat h movies, go to sleep, then start again tomorrow!

The NEW DAY 1

Well I stuffed day 5 and 6!! I am disgusting! I hate myself! I had to go to mums on Sunday for russian Easter, do I knew there I would need to eat, but on Saturday I just gave in I was so upset knowing I had to eat at mums, and I wasn't happy about it! I don't know what happened I was going so well! Also I let the bf con me into eating, as he said I will start my fast again this week, but I'm not losing as much as I would like or as quick as I would like! I might fast 2 weeks, if I'm losing a great amount of weight I'll continue the month but if not, I'll be on a soup diet for 2 weeks, I'm getting to 57kgs atleast by the end of this month!

Day 4! And need your help girls!!

Day 4! And yes I know I blogged like 2 hours ago, but sitting in my car at work fixing my make up got my looking at my skin! And OMG LADIES HELP! My skin has hit a all time horrible! I have broken out BAD! Any skin tips greatly appreciated! Gosh the lengths we go to just to look AMAZING! Oh and you will all be glad to know!.... I'm back to my starting weight! So I'll keep this fasting going!! But there is a snag in the beautiful plan that is starving for perfection! I'll be doing some book work with my mum on Saturday, she'll expect me to eat! I know she will so what I will do is Rick up at her house on Sunday morning with maccas breakfast! Well I'll walk in drinking an orange juice from maccas with some mcmuffins for her! So to every snag there is a silver lining! Hahaha! Wish me luck girls as I get into day 4! Wooooo Stay strong beautiful girls! STARVE ON!

Day 3!

Well day 3 went off with out a hitch!! Woohoo gotta love it! Havent eaten since my choc on Monday! Haven't eaten anything bigger then that since Sunday! I'm feeling good so far, energy levels are dropping, but thank fuck for coffee! Hahahaha ok so today is technically day 4 but it's just past 6 in the morning so I figure I can still report to you's anyway, let you know how it's going! And so far I'm seeing results! I can't wait to get to 55! I am compulsive with the number 5 everything and I mean EVERYTHING! Has got to be on a multiple of 5! SI 55 is what I want to get to first, see how I look, then on to 45! Bring it on! I'll keep you updated on how today goes! Omg I woke up thinking I wrecked my fast I had a dream I ate a piece of Vegemite toast!! Then got the best feeling when I realized it was a dream! Hahahah STAY STRONG LOVELYS! STARVE ON! Xx

Day 2!

Well it's day two! So far going strong, I'm killer tired though but that's not dfo lack of food, I think coz I got stoned before work! Hahsha but last night I did break the fast by eating chocolate but after 4 pieces I did nearly 600 crunches on the abswing! Lost just under a kg overnight do gotta be rapped with that! Can't wait to c the scales in the morning! :D my beautiful bf is still eating in another part of the house, and when I asked him why his helping me lose weight, and does he think I'm fat, his reply was no your not fat but if I don't help you you'll get angry after eating! Hmm well yes this is true but I didn't think I was that bad but who cares he is helping me but I tested him by saying I want a fat free soup he said ok I'll make you one!! WTF IS THAT? I quickly stopped him and said no you'r meant to be stopping me eating so I think now he gets it! Let me know how you are all going! STAY STRONG! STARVE ON!

Day 1

Well, day one has been successful so far! i have to go with my bf to drop off some stuff to a mate so that will be a great excuse to get out of food! i know i crave less when I'm on the run, and thank god for that too!

but I'm feeling good about this fast! i have some great Pro-Ana friends that i can rely on when i want o crave! couldnt do it with out you all! so amazing to get a perfect circle of friends that you can rely on to be there when ever you feel weak and you think food will make it better! WRONG!!!! FOOD WILL NEVER MAKE IT BETTER! DONT REWARD GOOD BEHAVIOUR WITH FOOD! YOUR NOT A DOG!! your an Ana in trainin so START ACTING LIKE IT'!
sorry, i think I'm just thinkig out loud, i love that my bf is not aloud to eat in the room near me while im on my fast! when he doesnt do this he knows i cave! i have just bought a pair of digital scales! so i can now see my weight in pounds and Kgs! gotta love life! but girls i gotta go, im sorry, i gotta rn around a bit but for those who have the pictue i sent you "message me thin" pictue, get sending to me! i need all the motivation i can get for when i get home, ill be stoned so ill wanna exercise!
GET TO MESSAGING AND STARVE ON!
let me know who is startng this fast with me, or who wants to join in'! Love yas Xx

Ana, is that you?

I had a dream last night I saw this perfect girl, beautiful long brown hair, her hip bones were so beautifully trying to hold up her size 0 jeans, her fingers were long and boney, her white singlet was trying to hide every single perfect rib that her rib cage was so proudly showing off, her perfect thighs had the perfect gap between them, her wrists were boney and beautiful she could've floated on air, she was so thin so beautiful so perfect! She walked towards me, I thought she was going to walk straight past me but it was me she was wanting. She asked me a question that everytime I think about it, it makes me cry. She was so perfect. She asked "Are You Happy?" I stared at her and said "No" she stared at me staring at the floor. She asked "Why Not?" I choked back the tears and said "Beacause I'm Not Perfect" she asked me why? I didn't know what to say but I think my look said it all.
"your the only one doing this to yourself!, you could have perfection! But do you want it?!" "YES!" I said wanting to cling to her bratuiful bones and put her in my pocket so she could tell me what to do, what to say, but then she replied "No you don't!, if you wanted this, you would have this! But you don't! You don't have a gap between your thighs that show control, you don't have the ribs of someone with power! If you did want this like you say you do THEN TAKE IT! Stop complaining and get control! Every bite you take takes you away from this and you let it! It's pathetic!".
I cried not because I thought she was wrong or harsh, but because she was right! She knows I want this she knows I can do this, she believes in me! Some how she seems familiar to me! I know her from somewhere, somewhere important.
"Why are you crying? Are you weak?!" I look at her and say "I am weak, I want strength I need guidance, I let myself down and I know I can do better!" "then why don't you do better?!" "I will I'll do better!"
I stared at her she staring at me, I was wondering and trying to figure out where I knew her from. She was staring at me, she looks like she knows where she knows me from and she can see I'm trying to figure it out!

"you know what you have to do, don't you? Either be stronger or throw up more and exercise more!"
"Your lazy, pathetic! You want perfection then starve for it! Crave for it! Lie for it! Die for it!"

As she walked away I was still trying to figure out who she was but I now know what I must do!.....

Happy Easter ladies..... STAY AWAY FROM THE EASTER BUNNY! His evil

HAPPY EASTER ALL MY BEAUTIFUL ANA'S yes today is the day we spend with our families and DREAD all the food we'll be made to eat, be constantly watched while we play with our food and last but not least we will all receive chocolate and more food that we will be agonizing whether we can rationalize finding a way to eat it or get rid of it! These are tge challenges we face in our struggle for perfection! I have been up all night / morning on the toilet, knowing I was coming tO my mums for the night I knew I would be made to eat so after dinner I said I felt sick and popped a double dose of laxatives, my stomach is still killing me but all worth it I couldn't purge here not with my mum watching me like a hawk! I'm trying to make up reasons to leave! I love being here but I hate eating! God I want to be home at my place there I know I can avoid food and abswing til I can't move anymore! But for now I'm stuck here at my mums, FUCK

Day 1,

Ok ladies, today I begin! I tried yesterday but when I got home watching tv with the bf, his eating right next to me, sadly I caved, :( I had 99% fat free soup I thought still ok, then he pulls out this 1Kg Easter bunny! Fuck my life! I started on the bunny but I will not finish! I woke up still same weight as yesterday this means war! The bf is under strict instructions do not UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES eat anywhere near me for the next 3 days! That's today Friday Saturday! Then Easter at my mums place! That's gonna suck but I'm taking over lettuce and fat free soup as a entree so I'll fill up on soup liquids! Then start again on Monday! Which again the bf can not eat around me, he is to refuse me food and accompany me on a walk around the running track we live near, if this doesn't put a dent in the scales I don't know what will!
I've also decided to invest in a new pair of scales that calculate my weight in kgs and lbs! So that will make it easier to judge tge weight loss on this fast! I'm expecting to lose a pound a day so that's roughly half a kg a day! I'm also attempting to complete this fast for 28 days which is what I was doing before I found out I was pregnant!!

So now Im back ..... STARVE ON!!

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So I'm laying in bed my stomach hurts! But I'm happy I know now I can get back to Ana, I can get back on track but after a ultrasound I was told the baby probably wouldn't of survived, something abouts it's irregular heart beat, I was saying to my bf I don't know how a baby would've survived in the first place to get me to 6 weeks but I'm thankful that I can still get pregnant I mean after all I didn't think I could get pregnant at all so I'm glad that one day I can have a baby but I'm certainly not ready for this yet. So I'm about to eat a 99% fat free soup then try to sleep and get ready to get back to work and back to fasting!

Stay strong lovelys! And thank you to those who sent their love to me at this time! Your fantastic! Love you!! Xxx