Day 2, fight!!!

So day one diet consisted of;
3 x coffee
2 x piece of popcorn

Today, (so far)
2 x coffee
1 x 600 ml flavored water
1 x aero yoghurt (69 cals!!)

I'm feeling good about said fast!! It certainly helped that jamie and I fought like cats and dogs last night!
Over a huge misunderstanding is it worth it!
The stress from the fight helped me not eat, so today I'm feeling good!!
On the 29th of this month I'll be completing 28 days of vegan diet but hopefully fast 28 days then continue the vegan fast after my fast Is up
Keen to join??
Let me know xx

ABC Diet..... Starts Today ladies,

That's right!! I'm now starting the abc diet once again as I have been binging like a fat kid for weeks now!!, I can't take it any more!!, and the bf has gotten weird about my fasting (all good things really must come to an end) but if I'm eating and restricting my cal intake I can still eat around him but also have fast days AND lose the weight!, I'm saving for a tready! Once I get that bad boy there will be no stopping me!,
I also wanted to say thank you for all the comments coming thru, I do hope that all the lovely ladies that read this can offer their advise and helping hand to the other ladies that comment!!
But I do have to tell you, I do not care who reads this but I won't help somebody that is younger than 18, I can't willingly help a young girl district her body before it has a chance to develop, but read on and I hope you all join me for the beautiful abc!!

Is this real?

So I'm sitting in my car, on my break at work, crying (seem to constantly be crying on my work breaks) I HATE MYSELF FOR CRYING! I'm so weak!

My bf is my best friend and if he can't love me, who can? Who else can I expect to be with me? Love me, trust them, trust me, I'm listening to linken park, somewhere I belong, I thought with ana is where I belong, but I can't shake this rejection feeling, I don't know who I am, am I an ana in training? Am I a failure? Am I succeeding in ruining my life? Can I be saved? Who can answer these burning questions that feel like my stomach acids are dictating my thoughts, like all these questions rolled into one big question..... Can I live with being such a failure, I over compensate my lack of control in my life with studies, with my bf, with my family but I'm still spiraling out of control and can do nothing to stop it, do I want to though?
Yesterday's diet:
1 x slice whole meal bread, 17 cals
1 x rice cake 10 cals

Today's diet
1 x oak milk 270 cals

I want it all to end I'm done

It starts with 2

=|\\\ F%#&@!!!! :=="='''||||

Well it's happened again!, we fought, he flipped, I cried (I HATE MYSELF FOR CRYING!!!!), he took my keys, I locked him out the house, he had his house keys, I tried to barricade myself in the house, he pushed the door, my back went thru the wall, he pounded on the door, I ran out onto the street crying (I HATE MYSELF FOR CRYING!!!!!) he smashed my sewing machine, I just learnt how to take my clothes in using it, he called me a slut cunt whore told me he cheated on me all day, I sat at home waiting for him after he left the house 4 times in one day, he ran to his uncles and told me he gets the house and I can have the car, I sat and packed in my trashed house, I want to die, he doesn't care, I can't eat, he doesn't care, I can't sleep, he doesn't care. So WHAT THE FUCK AM I DOING?!!!@!&&$??!! Why am I fighting to keep something that I know is over!,
Do I like the pain?!!
Do I love him?
Or am I just scared of being alone?
Can I function alone?
Who I am with out him?!
Can I go on?
Do I want to?!
What am I doing?!$@@??!!!,
It starts with 2
After 2, you can't lose that feeling
It's a drug that heats up the pain to a boil that can only feel good
It's a release from the pain the drama the hurt that doesn't quit
It's what I wake up for and look forward to its the only thing that makes sense
It's scary it feels this good
It's coming back and growing with me like ana did the first time we met its as comfy as she is warming me at night it's worrying it's great it's freaky but the good kind you can't live without can I do it and hide it who would care
Would I?
Do I?
Can I?

No

There's no words

So it's been a special occasion lately and I am bouncing between planning this stream of events that have gone wrong at every turn, I have had the longest time off work due to illness and just as I started to get back on the horse and back at work my illness not only acted up but had me miss the event I had planned, I was bed ridden so there goes me getting my I.D from a friend, not that it mattered I have just woken up from a sleep that started at 6:00 Friday morning, I am scared I am
going to lose the job I love so much!,
I have had a horrible amount of time off I wouldn't blame work for giving me the boot.

I'm not allowed To continue modeling as the bf doesn't want others to see me so another guy has made me give up the same dream.....

I have begged com service to let me do a more relaxed service and now they have I haven't gone, I'm most likely going to breach it do there for back to court.....

The person I didn't get along with the most is about to move home so including the men that live there now there will be 6 of us adults living in a small 2 bedroom and a study house (I say that coz the house is so tiny its not big enough to be called a 3 bedroom) the one guy I have the most problem with that is the most loud, disgusting, disrespectful, pathetic excuse for a man was supposed to apologies to me for calling me the things he did in the fight we had (we as in the house full of his mates he constantly invites over, my partner and the normal household)
He still hasn't and then has the nerve to say hello to me today like nothing happened! I can see him staying long term.....

Me and my partner are applying for places but as we both work full time, he finishes hours later then I do, not only can we barely make open inspections but for the ones we can apply for, we are getting rejected for.....

I'm not fasting much, I'm not losing less than that, my weight is ranging between 59 & 60kgs. A pro-ana friend that also answered one of my replies on yahoo for a pro-ana buddy graciously let me know that she has reached her second GW! When asked how? Her reply; nooo idea.. Come on sister, I don't hear from you for ages then I hear you'r at your second GW and you have no hints, tips or tricks??, hun it's girls like you that can thinspire us with a simple tip unknown to us, it's girls like you that can guide, teach and be taught by like minded and non judgmental peers, it's girls like you who make us realize there could be hope for us after all, you could give girls the reassurance that if this is what they want to do, need to do, crave to do then it can be done and you and your stats are the beautiful proof, but since last transmission (of; nooo idea) we have not had contact.....

When I was dealing with 'trauma' I had the habit of wrecking my life coz (so I am told) I feel I dont deserve a good life, I feel this and see this happening and I feel powerless to stop it, my bf is stressing me as he has been buying me gifts in replace of showing me love and affection and attention!, I hate it!!, it's scary that I could feel this way being with him but here we are, I think that is why I haven't logged on for ages as if I said it out loud or put it on paper it becomes real, and yep it's real.....

I'm writing all this like all these points are leading to a beautiful, easy stress free conclusion but not this time, the guru with more questions than answers has nothing, I am a innocent bystander watching my life morphed into car form head straight for a wall and it's happening in slow motion but it's just too far to run and prevent the collision but close enough to see the details of the drivers face as she sees a wall ahead of her but is powerless to stop the inevitable

Stay strong!
I hope I come back with better news for the life that is MianaX

Fuck!

So things have been at a all time FUCKED!! My bf and I are slowly falling apart and I hate it, I'm trying to stop the destruction that i can see is ending us but nothing I'm doing is working!
We now live with 2 alcoholics and my bfs uncle, who is trying to make us stay at this hell hole as he loves my bf! But fuck that!! I can not deal anymore!, it's way to hard! I don't know how much more fight I have left inside me, I told my bf that I'd always fight for him but I don't think I have the energy anymore. I know if you let you'r loved ones go and if they come back it's meant to be but I'm so scared to let him go incase he doesn't come back, I have no idea what to do about my life Fucking itself, how much is one person meant to handle!
I am now ranging at 60kgs! Still a fat fuck!!! I hate myself!

Been a while

So my last blog didn't publish as I wrote half then had to do other stuff, so sorry but the thoughts of mianax are back!, so I have been not doing the best but instead of remaining at 63 as my weight I now am 60 and keeping the 3 off so that's great but I have my next shoot on the 26th of this month, then I will be put thru for other jobs, I am nervous as hell I will look like fat heffa!! But we shall see I have tried to fast but in the last few days I have been a failure!! A big fat fricken failure!! But tomorrow is another day!!, wish me luck I will be fasting til the 26th, today being the 7th,

Starve on beauties!

Day one; back to basics!

Yesterday, being day one, went off with out a hitch, I could've consumed less cals in the liquids but oh well, the bf made bacon and eggs for dinner, while I sipped a low fat thick shake, (yes the above is possible, 97% fat free ice cream, 99% fat free Low sugar choc topping, and milk and ice, it was really good, I must check the cal content in this though) today will consist of;
1 x morning coffee, 70 cals,
1 x boost 170 cals,
And water water water!! Haha, I'm feeling so tired today, I haven't been well in so long I'm not sure I could recognize the look and feel of health.

I feel almost like I'm in a forest, and I know it's getting dark and cold do I better get home ASAP! Coz all the bad things come out at night, I'm just with ana, and it's us against the monsters,
I'm worried she won't help me or protect me, she's angry at me, she doesn't want to be here stuck with me,

We need to get home!

Well here I am back in a place I didn't think I'd stay in again, with a person I didn't think I'd have to deal with again, but here we are, the bfs gone to get my clothes I'm on the couch, smoking up, nursing this pain!!!!! And am feeling like crap after BINGING all FUCKEN weekend!, I feel gross!, I am a fat fucking whore!!, I hate myself!, I could cry but what's the point?! What's the point in caring?, what's the point in eating, breathing, living if I only live in failure!, if I'm just a waste,

I will redeem myself, I will fast, I have been having thick shakes when fasting TIL I LOOKED UP THE CAL CONTENT!! FUCK THAT!! Will just stick to a fat blaster shake when I get shaky

Well me and my ana angel are starting a slow fast consisting of low fat soups til we restrict to a liquid fast, see how we go, I know with an angel on my shoulder cheering me on I can't go wrong!

See how we go, fast away girls, xx

3 outta 24!, not bad!

In regards to the title, I have eaten good 3 days outta the last 24, not bad, I could've done better, but unfortunantly I think my body has hit a wall!, a big FUCKEN brick wall, I can't get passed 59-60 kgs!!, grr I'll fast 28 days then I'll do the Abc for 50 days, see which causes most weightloss! Ooh and I have bought a sample pack of Ephedra! Let's see how they go, it's day 3 of ephedra and starting fast again today!, ok now the good stuff!
Today's consumption;
1 x morning coffee, 70 cals
1 x weightloss shake 120 cals,

Looks like I'll be having water the rest of the day!, I hate water but fuck it!
And After a drug fuelled week, I think a fast is just what I need!!, I do feel skinnier after all the drugs!, so that's a plus but drugs and depression doesn't mix! Suicidal thoughts came back, I wanted it all to end!.....
I told the bf I feel this way, he asked why I told him I have depression, he changed the subject,

Still fasting ladies, :D but I got pretty messy at a mates place last night!, and now feel like shit!! Threw up constantly last night, atleast tummy was flat today!
Going to my agents tonight to check out the photos, I'll post some up with thinspiration see if you can spot this whale out!!

I feel like breaking down! I could cry, scream, punch, kick, cry out in agony!,
I'm so hurt! I'm hurting so bad, not physically, just emotionally, like I said to the bf, should I break my fast (as I was craving bad) he said no, get a thick Shake instead to fill u up! He knows I'm a whale! An elephant! A hippo! His just to kingly to come out and say it but I get the hints though!,

I honestly hope I'm not to massive in the photos!!,

Starve on princesses!

3 days since shoot,

Ok guys I'm sorry I haven't written since the shoot, I have just super binged after, well ok this is the damage from just before, the shoot & just after;

Saturday; mum, when are you coming over for lunch? We can watch a movie, (what she's meaning but not saying is when are you going to eat in front of me so I can see your eating!!)
Mianax; Muma, I'll come over on Monday, for lunch, you can make your ginger slice!!, you know I'm dying to try it!! (what I'm meaning but not saying is when I don't have a shoot that is going to show my HIDEOUS FAT body then I can stuff my face! And make the FUCKEN ginger slice I'll choke it down tell you it's amazing then fight back tears with every bite!!!)
So the shoot,
Agent; hold this muffin just in front of your mouth and pose!
Mianax; (this is disgusting!)
After leaving the shoot the bf took me to maccas then explained that now there's no shoot to fast for please eat!
I couldn't bare to hurt him further, so I ate, :'(
Monday; mums house, what do you Want for lunch?? As soon as I walk in the door, so I say you decide, we ate lunch then I choked down her ginger slice, it was good my mum Is a awsome cook!, then Tuesday, no excuses, I just ate! Today I told the boy I'll eat as I'm starting my fast again tomorrow for the whole 28 days, it was so easy at like the 10th day and the 12th I honestly wasn't craving food anymore, I loved it! It was so natural, even eating now it weird, I find myself talking and not realizing I've actually just said what I thought I just said, it's so weird, like when me and the bf were talking about my fasting I told him that it's a life long struggle, the hurt in his eyes was heart braking! Then I sort of just joked it off and changed the subject, well I'm signing off babes, let you know we go tomorrow, xx

Starve on beauties,

Day 12, day of shoot,

Ok so today is the day, I've fasted 12 days to prepare, not nearly enough time though! I wanted to be 57 by now, that's model skinny (for my height) I guess I'll just have to settle for 59, I feel gross, I hope that this shoot will lead me where I want to go. I've just had my shower, I've waxed, shave, hair removal creamed, now just laying on my bed next to my sleeping bf who is coming today to support me, although I do wish in a way he wasn't coming, I've told him not to completely stare at me the whole time we're there,
I'll get nervous! I'm already nervous! That's why I'm blogging, I'm procrastinating bad! Well I best go and keep getting ready, take care Angels!

Starve on!

2 days til shoot!,

So I'm fasting and have finally got off 60 kgs! God it feels good, people at work are noticing that I'm losing weight, but I think my mum is noticing too, she constantly thinks I'm up to something dodgy!, I'm seriously getting over it!! For the first time in a long time I'm actually not doing anything dodgy, I'm studying hard, working harder, I don't get it?? I'm trying to get my shit on track and she doubts me constantly!, I haven't told her about the shoot yet as I don't want her to stress or judge me! When I had the appointment and told her I would need to pay for my first shoot to build up my portfolio she just criticized me! "of course they want you, you have to pay them" harsh but whatevs, I'll take if in stride like I do all criticism thrown my way! My bf supports me more then my mother does, it's a shit feeling that she won't be sharing in my joy with this shoot but what else can I do? Tell her and not hear the end of it! What a waste of money it is, what a waste of time it is, if I get back in to modeling I'll go down the wrong track, well isn't it my life for a reason?

Stay strong my beauties!
Starve on!

Day 8

Have you ever looked at the life you built, the life that you've spent making every decision to try make perfect, and thought, what if it were different?, I thought about the bf not liking rail thin girls and I thought what if I could eat a normal meal and not think and stew on it all night long, what if I could get bigger and have tits again, what if..... I wonder if that's why I had a dream I killed myself, in my dream it was an accident, I was cleaning my car in my mums garage and had the doors closed listening to music and all of a sudden I felt weak and dizzy then woke up thinking, omg I'm alive, mehh!

I'm not eating solids but I'm not getting skinnier!, I'm a fat whore who will never be skinnier!, I look at my life and think Fuck it!, I wanna change it, I want it different!, I don't know what I want I have had countless jobs most in different professions, I want a dramatic change!

Day 6! Bring it on!!!

Or does today class as day 7? Considering I fasted on Wednesday and today is Tuesday?, oh well who cares I'm going strong! I'm staying strong, I'm starving on!, ok today's cal intake;
1 x coke zero 0 cals
1 x diet coke can 2 cals
1 x morning coffee 70 cals
1 x fat blaster shake for dinner 120 cals

So I am still consuming nearly 200 cals daily in liquid form, could this be why I'm not losing any weight??, but I'm going to see how it goes, today is Tuesday and the shoot is Sunday, by then I would've fasted 11 days, that's not nearly enough time, I might skip the skinny shake, and replace with 2 cups of apple juice, we'll see?!

I didn't get on the scales today as yesterday was such a failure!, so I figure I'll jump on tomorrow and see how I go, we're about to run out of weed, and I know u said I will quit like ages ago but I haven't wanted to, it does make it harder to fast when stoned but I won't sleep otherwise grr I song know, when we finish the last of what's at home, I'll Try to quit and snooze instead, we can only try though!

Well I better start work, stay strong my beauties

Starve on!!