Well here I am back in a place I didn't think I'd stay in again, with a person I didn't think I'd have to deal with again, but here we are, the bfs gone to get my clothes I'm on the couch, smoking up, nursing this pain!!!!! And am feeling like crap after BINGING all FUCKEN weekend!, I feel gross!, I am a fat fucking whore!!, I hate myself!, I could cry but what's the point?! What's the point in caring?, what's the point in eating, breathing, living if I only live in failure!, if I'm just a waste,

I will redeem myself, I will fast, I have been having thick shakes when fasting TIL I LOOKED UP THE CAL CONTENT!! FUCK THAT!! Will just stick to a fat blaster shake when I get shaky

Well me and my ana angel are starting a slow fast consisting of low fat soups til we restrict to a liquid fast, see how we go, I know with an angel on my shoulder cheering me on I can't go wrong!

See how we go, fast away girls, xx

3 outta 24!, not bad!

In regards to the title, I have eaten good 3 days outta the last 24, not bad, I could've done better, but unfortunantly I think my body has hit a wall!, a big FUCKEN brick wall, I can't get passed 59-60 kgs!!, grr I'll fast 28 days then I'll do the Abc for 50 days, see which causes most weightloss! Ooh and I have bought a sample pack of Ephedra! Let's see how they go, it's day 3 of ephedra and starting fast again today!, ok now the good stuff!
Today's consumption;
1 x morning coffee, 70 cals
1 x weightloss shake 120 cals,

Looks like I'll be having water the rest of the day!, I hate water but fuck it!
And After a drug fuelled week, I think a fast is just what I need!!, I do feel skinnier after all the drugs!, so that's a plus but drugs and depression doesn't mix! Suicidal thoughts came back, I wanted it all to end!.....
I told the bf I feel this way, he asked why I told him I have depression, he changed the subject,

Still fasting ladies, :D but I got pretty messy at a mates place last night!, and now feel like shit!! Threw up constantly last night, atleast tummy was flat today!
Going to my agents tonight to check out the photos, I'll post some up with thinspiration see if you can spot this whale out!!

I feel like breaking down! I could cry, scream, punch, kick, cry out in agony!,
I'm so hurt! I'm hurting so bad, not physically, just emotionally, like I said to the bf, should I break my fast (as I was craving bad) he said no, get a thick Shake instead to fill u up! He knows I'm a whale! An elephant! A hippo! His just to kingly to come out and say it but I get the hints though!,

I honestly hope I'm not to massive in the photos!!,

Starve on princesses!

3 days since shoot,

Ok guys I'm sorry I haven't written since the shoot, I have just super binged after, well ok this is the damage from just before, the shoot & just after;

Saturday; mum, when are you coming over for lunch? We can watch a movie, (what she's meaning but not saying is when are you going to eat in front of me so I can see your eating!!)
Mianax; Muma, I'll come over on Monday, for lunch, you can make your ginger slice!!, you know I'm dying to try it!! (what I'm meaning but not saying is when I don't have a shoot that is going to show my HIDEOUS FAT body then I can stuff my face! And make the FUCKEN ginger slice I'll choke it down tell you it's amazing then fight back tears with every bite!!!)
So the shoot,
Agent; hold this muffin just in front of your mouth and pose!
Mianax; (this is disgusting!)
After leaving the shoot the bf took me to maccas then explained that now there's no shoot to fast for please eat!
I couldn't bare to hurt him further, so I ate, :'(
Monday; mums house, what do you Want for lunch?? As soon as I walk in the door, so I say you decide, we ate lunch then I choked down her ginger slice, it was good my mum Is a awsome cook!, then Tuesday, no excuses, I just ate! Today I told the boy I'll eat as I'm starting my fast again tomorrow for the whole 28 days, it was so easy at like the 10th day and the 12th I honestly wasn't craving food anymore, I loved it! It was so natural, even eating now it weird, I find myself talking and not realizing I've actually just said what I thought I just said, it's so weird, like when me and the bf were talking about my fasting I told him that it's a life long struggle, the hurt in his eyes was heart braking! Then I sort of just joked it off and changed the subject, well I'm signing off babes, let you know we go tomorrow, xx

Starve on beauties,

Day 12, day of shoot,

Ok so today is the day, I've fasted 12 days to prepare, not nearly enough time though! I wanted to be 57 by now, that's model skinny (for my height) I guess I'll just have to settle for 59, I feel gross, I hope that this shoot will lead me where I want to go. I've just had my shower, I've waxed, shave, hair removal creamed, now just laying on my bed next to my sleeping bf who is coming today to support me, although I do wish in a way he wasn't coming, I've told him not to completely stare at me the whole time we're there,
I'll get nervous! I'm already nervous! That's why I'm blogging, I'm procrastinating bad! Well I best go and keep getting ready, take care Angels!

Starve on!

2 days til shoot!,

So I'm fasting and have finally got off 60 kgs! God it feels good, people at work are noticing that I'm losing weight, but I think my mum is noticing too, she constantly thinks I'm up to something dodgy!, I'm seriously getting over it!! For the first time in a long time I'm actually not doing anything dodgy, I'm studying hard, working harder, I don't get it?? I'm trying to get my shit on track and she doubts me constantly!, I haven't told her about the shoot yet as I don't want her to stress or judge me! When I had the appointment and told her I would need to pay for my first shoot to build up my portfolio she just criticized me! "of course they want you, you have to pay them" harsh but whatevs, I'll take if in stride like I do all criticism thrown my way! My bf supports me more then my mother does, it's a shit feeling that she won't be sharing in my joy with this shoot but what else can I do? Tell her and not hear the end of it! What a waste of money it is, what a waste of time it is, if I get back in to modeling I'll go down the wrong track, well isn't it my life for a reason?

Stay strong my beauties!
Starve on!

Day 8

Have you ever looked at the life you built, the life that you've spent making every decision to try make perfect, and thought, what if it were different?, I thought about the bf not liking rail thin girls and I thought what if I could eat a normal meal and not think and stew on it all night long, what if I could get bigger and have tits again, what if..... I wonder if that's why I had a dream I killed myself, in my dream it was an accident, I was cleaning my car in my mums garage and had the doors closed listening to music and all of a sudden I felt weak and dizzy then woke up thinking, omg I'm alive, mehh!

I'm not eating solids but I'm not getting skinnier!, I'm a fat whore who will never be skinnier!, I look at my life and think Fuck it!, I wanna change it, I want it different!, I don't know what I want I have had countless jobs most in different professions, I want a dramatic change!

Day 6! Bring it on!!!

Or does today class as day 7? Considering I fasted on Wednesday and today is Tuesday?, oh well who cares I'm going strong! I'm staying strong, I'm starving on!, ok today's cal intake;
1 x coke zero 0 cals
1 x diet coke can 2 cals
1 x morning coffee 70 cals
1 x fat blaster shake for dinner 120 cals

So I am still consuming nearly 200 cals daily in liquid form, could this be why I'm not losing any weight??, but I'm going to see how it goes, today is Tuesday and the shoot is Sunday, by then I would've fasted 11 days, that's not nearly enough time, I might skip the skinny shake, and replace with 2 cups of apple juice, we'll see?!

I didn't get on the scales today as yesterday was such a failure!, so I figure I'll jump on tomorrow and see how I go, we're about to run out of weed, and I know u said I will quit like ages ago but I haven't wanted to, it does make it harder to fast when stoned but I won't sleep otherwise grr I song know, when we finish the last of what's at home, I'll Try to quit and snooze instead, we can only try though!

Well I better start work, stay strong my beauties

Starve on!!

Day 5, FUCKEN useless!!

Don't let the title fool you, I'm still fasting, going strong!, but I jumped on the scales this morning I've barely lost anything!! I know you'r not meant to exercise whilst fasting but fuck it! I'm over not losing weight! I need to be atleast 57kgs!! I NEED TO BE!! The shoot is in 6 days!! I need all the weightloss tips you guys got!! While trying not to wreck my skin or hair in the mean time, on the Sunday, (the day of the shoot) I'll get up early, go to the gym, squeeze in a work out, then home to get ready and be in the city by 9am!!, I'm excited but I will cancel this shoot if I haven't lost enough!, I want to book this shoot at 57kgs, then do another at 47kgs, that would be mint to see!!, well I should go, stay strong guys!!

STARVE ON!!

As Day 4 ends.....

Omg we have a blender! I had no freaking idea we had a fucking blender! So me and the bf went down to get heaps and heaps of fresh fruit and veggies and he has been getting awfully thin whilst I've been fasting in front of him so I have created a strict eating plan for him to follow its 3000 cals a day!! 6 meals, consisting of all healthy fresh foods, I'm excited for this coz his excited for this, his lunch will consist of;
1 x bowl of cereal,
1 x protein shake
1 x ham and salad sandwich
1 x banana
1 x salad low fat dressing
1 x roast chicken sub sandwich
1 x serving of nuts
1 x butter chicken for dinner with veggies
1 x chicken rice with fresh veggies cooked

With an exercise regime four nights a week,

Mianax's lunch;

1 x morning coffee
1 x cup of juice
1 x fat blaster shake
1 x smoothie for dinner (fresh mixed berries, apples, strawberries, banana, ice) with
1 x can of 99% fat free soup with all the souks veggies taken out so only a broth left,

Gotta love it! I'm so exited I can help him with all this! It really makes me happy that it makes him happy that he is improving his body and now he sees why I want to work so hard to get my body perfect!!, but all in all I'm welcoming the end of day 4 to make way for beautiful day 5! Not to mention the bfs uncle cooked steak for dinner so that's all I can smell, he knows I'm fasting so he was so apologetic about it, poor guy he didn't want to make me feel uncomfortable his awsome!! But I'm actually ok, he knows I'm fasting "for my shoot" so he reminds me that I can eat again on Sunday and the bf is requesting me eat on Sunday to as it will be the day of my shoot I agreed which gives me a week to find an excuse not to, haha I think I just like the drama, of freaking out about what I'm going to say, if I'll get away with it, if I can keep fasting, hmmmmm I guess time will tell,......

Well I'm sitting here drinking a apple banana mixed berries and ice with low fat yoghurt I'm feeling fucking awsome about it, I can smoke and still feel full from the ice and fruit and I feel good about it, the frozen ypghurt is 99% fat free dairy free and gluten free!!! I wish I could take it to work with me hahaha!!!,

Well I might sign off beautiful Ana's please sleep well, sleep and dream beautiful dreams, dream of the girl your starving to become, :D

STAY STRONG,
STARVE ON!! <3