I'm in HELL!!!

I fucked it all up, everything! The relationship, the break up, the get to know you faze, the not to move back in faze, the housemate, my social life! My mentality, my sanity, my diet, my morals, my lies and secrets and everybody's trust, love and respect!! But the question haunts me, did I do this to myself intentionally? Do I hate myself that much I have to sabotage my life so I'm that low that I am to depressed to cave and binge, but I'm getting to the point where my metabolism is so bad I'm putting weight on left right and center I hate it. During the break up with my mr perfect bf, he found this blog. He told me that after reading one page(found by accident) that he could finally understand why I come home (from the job I love mind you) in such a CU*T of a mood, he knew,I wanted to lose weight but I think when I used to tell him about me wanting to be so tiny I fall threw the cracks in the floor, he thought I was joking, like exaggerating!! Haha well now he knows!! We have started talking again, he has promised to work on his anger and go to courses, I have promised to try eat more, I was lying! I tried to tell him that it's not that ways you can't just pick up normal food (that hasn't been prodded and picked at) and expect us to eat it with not another thought!! What the Fuck!! If you believed your gf had an eating disorder (not that I'm even saying I do) you'd research it in every way you could? How to cope with it, how to handle the person going thru it and what to and not to do! Hmmm I'm so lost and so confused!! I hurt my bf and now his not sure if he can trust me, which makes me unsure if I could trust him! If the only person you ever loved hurt you beyond belief, tell me you wouldn't want to get them.back!! Speaking of payback!! My new house mate who is also my work colleague who is ALSO my ride to work knows (get ready for this coz it shocked the shit outta,me.....) knows my RAPIST! her gf and gf's brother to be exact, I found this out after having her (housemates gf and brother) in my house the one night I stayed away from.my house during the break up.!!!!
To all my girls and guys that have been following my blogs (thank you) you would understand how this is a incredibly stressful thing to go thru right now.

I love you all